Where to Live

Since 2005, I’ve resided in twelve apartments in four cities: Los Angeles, California; Pisa, Italy; Denver, Colorado; and Washington, DC. Perhaps you’re longing to stray–take this quiz to see which (if any) of these towns might be right for you.

I prefer to make my home:

  • a) in a land of perpetual summer, resplendent with palm trees, Spanish mission style bungalows, and asthma-inducing smog.
  • b) far atop an ancient hill overlooking some of the most glorious countryside in the world, ne’er encumbered by modern frivolities like air conditioning.
  • c) surrounded by purple mountains’ majesty full of pioneer spirit and peyote to pass the time during blizzards.
  • d) among 61.4 square miles of unrepresented historical grandeur.

My driving habits can best be described as:

  • a) immobile. Just try going to Burbank from Culver City at five o’clock. I spend more time with the 405 than I do with my boyfriend.
  • b) impassioned. I drive with spirit, and I drive the world’s most perfect sports car–the Alfa Romeo Spider.
  • c) imaginative. Off-roading, snowmobiling, and Prius-driving are all appropriate forms of home-to-work transportation.
  • d) immoral. A staffer for a high ranking Republican senator informed me that the poorly synchronized traffic lights here are part of a Democrat conspiracy to prove that global warming is real. Also, diplomatic immunity. ‘Nuff said.

I enjoy food shopping:

  • a) at the farmer’s markets wearing a satin prairie skirt, fabulously chic peep toe espadrilles, and a $400 handwoven straw hat, carting my purchases in a 2011 summer collection picnic basket from Anthropologie along with my maltese, Pepper.
  • b) and food tasting and food preparing and basically everything to do with food including making love with and to food. And don’t forget Vin Santo. Vin Santo at every meal and in between. And gelato. And cappuccino.
  • c) in every great specialty/health food mart in the country… except for Trader Joe’s which won’t come here because of the archaic blue laws. I just want some Two Buck Chuck. Come on! Gimme a break.
  • d) in local chain grocery stores where people even lower on the totem pole than I am begrudgingly drop soggy butterhead lettuce and Turning Leaf White Zin into a plastic bag for which I will be charged 5₵. Actually, 10₵ since they always double bag. Everything.

Vegetarianism:

  • a) was almost is our state cuisine, but Proposition V8 failed despite massive financial support from Seventh Day Adventists.
  • b) is a sin against God and Mamma. If you don’t eat meat, your tan will fade, your hips will shrink, and next thing you know you’ll let a metaphorical piece of Christ’s body dissolve in your sinful, protestant mouth. Or worse yet, tofu.
  • c) is a great alternative to free range organic buffalo. Other options include venison, grass fed beef, and Coors beer.
  • d) ain’t no substitute for soul food. Chitterlings, ham hocks, and catfish have souls. Plants don’t have no soul.

Women look best on bicycles because:

  • e) we already have Muscle Beach, and padded bike shorts don’t add anything to the male figure.
  • f) of Sophia Loren. Basta!
  • g) their breasts resemble the mountains they are summiting. If you’re in Trinidad, this extends to women-in-transition as well as those who’ve already changed their gender on their government issued IDs.
  • h) white Nikes, nude hose, and grey Ann Taylor skirt suits make the best riding gear.

Politically, I lean:

  • a) toward movie stars.
  • b) in whichever direction the Bunga Bunga party is.
  • c) to the left so long as the Farm Bill passes.
  • d) over a trash can while puking at Hawk and Dove.

If you said mostly a’s…
Welcome to La La Land! Here you can actually live out your preteen fantasies including acting fresh in Bel-Air and writing the zip-code-that-shall-remain-nameless on your return address, because that’s where you want to be. Sing while driving ‘til the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard, or go old Hollywood and croon tunes from Weber’s Sunset Boulevard. People here are generally beautiful, rich, and well heeled, so find a good shrink right away to counteract the inevitable self-loathing. If you’re lucky, maybe one of those pretty people will sweep you off your feet… and leave you at an only moderately useful Metro station.

If you said mostly b’s…
Benvenuto a Pisa! Home to Dante, da Vinci, and Puccini, you should brush up your art history before coming to Tuscany as you’ll need to explain exactly how Brunelleschi constructed the dome in Florence on your visa application. If you’re a smoker, you’re family. Now you can guiltlessly buy plastic water bottles. You can eat carbs and feel good about it. You can buy fish out of boats while single-toothed, three-legged mangy stray cats meow for your scraps. And you can drive a Vespa. Life in Italy exists in past-present continuum from the Roman Empire to the Jersey shore.

If you said mostly c’s…
It’s Pike’s Peak or bust, future Coloradan! Put down the Hot Tamales and Cheez Whiz–you live in our nation’s thinnest state. Plus of mile high life: You’re a cheap date as alcohol affects you more quickly at higher altitudes. Minus: You’re no longer the sprinter you were at sea level. Before changing your license, you’ll trade your 2005 VW Golf for a beat up Subaru Outback and mountain bike worth twice the value of your car. If you’re a boy under the age of 9, you are required by law to rock a rattail. Buy an annual lift ticket because, no matter the date, there’s always a good four months left in ski season.

If you said mostly d’s…
You’re about to relocate to our nation’s capital, Washington, DC! You’ll feel right at home with other young professionals who enjoy non-paying internships and suffocating student debt. Squeeze on a crowded train next to a 6’4” man with a buzz cut in full battle dress uniform, enjoy free admission to some of the world’s most amazing museums, and place bets on who Redskins owner Dan Snyder will sue next. Start a fashion trend–sport your (illegal) can of mace on your iPod armband while jogging. Safety first! And if you don’t like any people you meet this year, just wait ‘til the election.

Welcome home!

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