The Art of the Interview

Reporter: Thanks so much for talking with me. I had trouble finding your bio information, but I did go on IMDB, so I’ve got that, but I still don’t understand what the show is about.

Me: Oh, I can send you a PDF bio.

Reporter: I don’t know if I can open that. (Cat meows.) Did I just hear a kitty cat?

Me: Yes–he’s begging for wet food.

Reporter: He sounds like a baby.

Me: He’s eight.

Reporter: Well, you might hear some loud noises on my end. I prefer to write on a Selectric, but this ribbon is giving me fits. (Loud banging noises.) Okay. Now talk slowly. So is this show about Einstein’s girlfriend or something? Did he have an affair? I don’t mean to make presumptions, but I assume that’s what the show’s about. And you know, we know that…

Me: No, actually. That’s not what the show’s about.

Reporter: Do you know who Bill Nye is? I bet your show is a lot like his show because his show is about science, too.

Me: Yeah, it’s not…

Reporter: So I still don’t understand what the show is about. I mean, did you write it?

Me: Yes. It’s original.

Reporter: Based on what?

Me: I’m sorry?

Reporter: It’s an original story based on what?

Me: Well, based on my own experience. I’d like to get back to the…

Reporter: I’m sorry. Can you slow down? My m key is sticking.

Me: Ok.

Reporter: Would you say, and I don’t mean to be presumptuous, would you agree that you have a sarcastic sense of humor? I mean, I haven’t seen the show, but I assume that’s what it’s like.

Me: Well, really I don’t really see myself as being sarcastic. I’m wanna be funny, but..

Reporter: So you’re funny? The show is funny?

Me: But not necessarily sarcastic.

Reporter: Oh, no. I just mean I was presuming that. I just need an adjective.

Me: Well, that’s not the one to use.

Reporter: Just, just presuming.

Me: Yeah. Anyway, I got the idea for the show…

Reporter: Do you ever listen to Rush Limbaugh? I know it’s right wing AM radio, but they’ve got this fantastic program about world politics and science, too. I bet you’d like it.

Me: Does it promote his latest book where Rush time travels back to colonial days with his horse to teach kids about the history of America?

Reporter: What? No, I haven’t read that.

Me: It’s getting a lot of interest, not because he has a talking horse or because he can time travel but because he’s telling the “true” history of America.

Reporter: (silence)

Me: That was sarcasm.

Reporter: (silence) Next question: Have you ever been to Omaha? ‘Cause it’s more than just a great song from the Counting Crows.

Me: Uh, did you want to know about the show?

Reporter: Absolutely. You would so like Made.

Me: I’m sorry?

Reporter: Made. It’s a vegan restaurant. I read you were a vegetarian.

Me: I thought you only read my IMDB page.

Reporter: Oh, I went to your website, too. You have a lot of videos. Have you ever thought–and I’m just presuming here–that you should, I don’t know, tape the show? I know you’ve only been doing it for a little while, so it’s probably too soon, but I assume you’d want to do it on TV or something.

Me: Actually, I am developing it…

Reporter: Hang on. M key is still sticking. Okay. Tell me why you like doing the show.

Me: (slowly) I like doing. The show. Because. It’s all the parts of me put into one piece.

Reporter: I’m sorry. What did you say after all?

Me: What?

Reporter: You said all.

Me: I did?

Reporter: Yeah.

Me: Uh. I have no idea.

Reporter: Great. Well, I assume that the show’s really great. I mean, it’s gotta be like Reading Rainbow for science or something. So anyway, great to talk to you.

Me: Uh huh.

Reporter: Oh, and make sure you see Avatar. I know you like science.

Me: Yup. Seen it.

Reporter: Great to meet you. Have a great show.

Me: Thanks. (Hangs up in exhaustion.)

3 thoughts on “The Art of the Interview”

  1. Message That was funny. The interviewer did hit on something about the word “all”. If that had been pursued (“all the parts of me” wow what an opening!), there was a story there.

    I’m interested in the take on sarcasm too. I think sarcasm can be funny, but there’s a difference between it being witty, or simple exaggeration.

    1. Sometimes I think writers need to take 9th grade English again to be reminded of the difference between sarcasm, irony, comedy, and satire. Next up: a test on poetic devices. You better know the difference between a simile and a metaphor… 🙂

      1. Then there are those other things – the redundancy, the non-sequitur, malaprop, oxymoron. People think a coincidence is irony. Maybe that’s all a subject for a chart of some sort, like Dictionary.com’s visual thesaurus.

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